“Never miss a Monday!” – this phrase lit up in my thoughts while listening to another podcast.
Some of you might be wondering how my action plan is unfolding… Often, we wake up and decide that everything will be different from the next Monday, but then something in us breaks down… perhaps our confidence is trampled by our sense of uncertainty, and we return to our world of dissatisfaction…
But let’s get back to me…
I’ll tell you how things really were and where I am now…
Today feels like I woke up from a nightmare… though, actually, nothing terrible happened in my life… at least, nothing that would explain the consequences I found myself in. But I was shattered, broken, and in complete darkness. Panic attacks, pain, tears, and utter despair. At some point, all this turned into not wanting to wake up…
And those around me just didn’t know how to make 5 minutes of my life better.
Over the past years, a lot has happened… moves, work difficulties, conflicts, and parallel to this, everything happening in the world… COVID, wars… it seemed like everything was getting worse! I surrounded myself with problems and lost purpose, motivation… then came the last straw… I lost my home… in the sense? I found myself as a guest… in a space where I became a stranger and unwanted! And you already know me a little, and home has always been a fortress, a refuge that helped me deal with all the other difficulties.
And despite all I’ve been through and my strong character, I broke! The doctor diagnosed me with an “adaptation syndrome.”
Yes! In the end, I ended up in treatment… at home, but still! Seeing me, my doctor said I needed a break, rest, a reboot… and with the words “she can’t cope on her own,” they prescribed me medications and injections, and I turned into a plant, a vegetable… not for long, but it happened… In short, depression! The second medication prescribed was “moving” and as soon as possible!
And only now I can talk about it calmly, without tears and hysterics…
Before, I didn’t take depression seriously… I thought it was all nonsense! We were raised to be strong, and, in principle, it worked… until it happened to me!
Depression doesn’t need explanations or specific reasons… it can develop based on many small factors… but the pain it provokes is inexplicable, and unfortunately, most often, you can’t get out of it on your own. Here I want to emphasize one point: be attentive to your loved ones and don’t ignore their anxiety, fear, tears, isolation, and even nervousness… sometimes depression can end in more serious consequences! It’s not my case, but don’t underestimate this pain!
I moved!
But there are no miracles… well, or not in my case…
Despite my shattered state and other problems, I still saw a partially open door and a ray of light in front of me.
The next steps were up to me! At this stage, friends and family could do little for me… except to love…
In the first month, I looked at this ray of light, but I didn’t understand how to put all the broken pieces together. I felt better, but the internal emptiness and the feeling of being lost didn’t give me peace… it seemed like I was solving a Rubik’s cube in my head, but none of the parts matched…
On September 25, I turned 42… on a Monday!
It was then that I decided the only way to get back to myself was through introspection…. And no! In my case, a psychologist was not an option!
I gathered around me all sorts of tools… and pushed away everything that bothered me! Books, movies, music, exercise, family came to the forefront, and as little as possible news, social networks, negativity, and emptiness… were practically eliminated from my life…
But I already wrote to you about it… Everything was moving slowly, and there were days when everything seemed useless… But this time the decision was made… I gave myself a word that no matter what happened, I would move forward… with small steps, but I must not stop, and every Monday became a hope for me that I would get answers and see changes very soon… maybe this week…
Two months have passed… a little on the one hand and infinitely long on the other… Changes came… or rather, I can say, I finally saw a sign of change in myself and a sense of satisfaction… my walks gradually turned into runs, master classes in completely different directions narrowed down to more interesting topics, I began to find inner peace and even the confidence I lost… my voice and the desire to build something new returned… I became calmer, and even small details began to bring me joy…
Of course, these are only small changes, but for the state I was in, it’s a gift from above…
What will happen next? I don’t know yet, but I am sure that this movement will bear fruit… the most important thing is to start each Monday with a new step upward and not forget what you’ve built… starting from scratch is very difficult, but two months later, I see that it was worth it… and precisely because I stand much higher now, I have no desire to stop!
And for those in a similar situation, there’s no survival recipe… it’s a very personal state, but I’m sure that if you can incorporate these rules into your new life, it will be easier for you:
- Dedicate all your free time to yourself and try not to lose a single minute. Fill your time with a flow of information. Start going to the gym or just walk down the street, listen to podcasts. It really helps. Don’t know who to listen to? Search online, choose a favorite topic, or just listen to everything until you find what truly interests you. For me, podcasts became a reason to run. It’s one hour alone with myself… I enjoy listening to specialists in their field, interviews, and various stories. It helps me understand myself and encourages reflection and analysis of what I would like to do.
- Read as much as possible… it’s challenging for me, but I’m working on it.
- Catch yourself in social networks and stop. Don’t waste precious time.
- Engage in what brings you pleasure. I work, cook food, I also returned thoroughly to my blog and even started working on a new project, simultaneously listening to music or often turning on master classes or podcasts… in the evening, I watch movies and spend time with my family. Find what warms your heart…
- Keep a journal and tell yourself about your thoughts, ideas, experiences, doubts. Build new relationships with yourself, and let them be the most sincere! Don’t hide even what you really don’t like from yourself… you are in the process of building a new you, and all these roughnesses will start to straighten out over time, but for this, you need to love yourself imperfectly.
- Accept distance from all the negative… people, news, etc… treat yourself gently! No one will understand your fragility, and that’s why healthy selfishness is necessary. Everything you’re not ready to listen to, keep at a distance or delegate to someone close… let them work for you. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from loved ones.
- Don’t think about what will happen, think only about what you are doing now and today. Build your plan for the day and don’t ask yourself when and what the result will be! It will be! I promise you! I can’t promise you that the plans you build today won’t change tomorrow, and if you’ll eventually achieve the expected results! But I know that suddenly you will realize that what you are doing is not in vain! This thought will come to you quite suddenly and unexpectedly! But you will feel that little happiness that I felt… And I don’t know if my plan will be realized, but I feel the movement, and I know that even if I don’t achieve the desired result in this new project of mine, I will definitely come to something else!
My goal is not to lose weight, not to become successful or rich :)), but to find myself and feel happy for no specific reason, and then, perhaps, I will be ready for new, more ambitious goals!
Every action you take is a decision about who you are as a person. A single specific instance cannot change your beliefs, but these decisions gradually accumulate, thus shaping a new identity. This is one of the reasons that significant changes do not require radical and swift transformations. Minor habits gradually lead to significant differences, forming evidence of a new identity. And if the change is significant, it can indeed be considered great. That’s the paradox of small improvements.
Good luck to you,
With love,
Xenia
